Music Jokes

Q: What is perfect pitch?

 A: When the guitar doesn't hit the side of the dumpster.

 

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?        A: Give them a sheet of music.

 

Q: How do you make a double bass sound in tune?

 A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

 

Knock knock Who's there? Wurlitzer! Wurlitzer who? Wurlitzer one for the money two for the show

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture- Elvis Costello

                                        

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?  ...   To get away from the noise.

   

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ? Who cares - neither one's a guitar

           

Q: How many female singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. She just stands there holding the light bulb, while the whole world revolves around her!

                                 

What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond? One of them eventually matures and earns money.

 

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune? Evidently all of them.

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John takes a tourist fella on a tour of a faraway island.  They get into the rainforest and then they paddle a canoe up an enormous river. Round noon on the second day of travel, they began to hear the beat of drums. The  city falla is curious about this. He asks John "What are those drums saying?"

 

John turns to him and says "Well the Drums are very good  it's when they stop - that matters."

               

Some hours of more canoeing along the river and all of a sudden the drums stopped!

 

"The drums have stopped, what now?"

 

The guide crouches down, covers his head with both of his hands and says - "Bass Solo".

                                           

How do you know when the stage is level ? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth .. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? ...Drool.

                                                 

                                                

Q: Did ya hear about the heavy metal player who locked his keys in the car? A: Had to break the window to let the drummer out! . Why does the drummer leave his drumsticks on his dashboard? . So he can park in disabled zones.

                                                                        How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they have machines that do that now. Five; one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists trying to elbow their way into the spotlight. Twenty, one to hold the bulb and 19 to drink so much the room spins.                                                                          

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel

                                                                                                          

"Hey mat-, how late does the band play?"   "Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

        

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster.

What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

                                                                                                                        What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.                                                                                

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? Violins don't have spit valves.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.                                                            

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

                                                                                    

                                                                                                                                 

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." Sure enough, the marker says, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

                                         

                                         

What's the definition of a gentleman? Fella who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

                                 

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner." The lady exclaimed, "I didn't send for a piano tuner." The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did." ART JOKES Panina A musician dies, and Gabriel greets him at the pearly gates and says, are you coming out to the jam session tonight? We've got Duke Ellington and Charlie Parker and Louis Armstrong and John Coltrane and.... So the guy gets all excited and says, Damn, it sounds just perfect.

As the guy walks further in he hears this horrendous drummer, and says, "What that awful racket! Who's playing drums?"

Gabriel mutters sheepishly GOD. He thinks he's Buddy Rich

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